Will you jerk off to save the world?

Here’s an interesting news tidbit surrounding the 2007 FA Cup final – the Guardian reports that (I’m paraphrasing this):

“Fans at the final will eat a shitload of food, drink a shitload of beer and cause a shitload of pollution through their travels to and from the stadium – creating a huge-as-a-crap-mountain eco-footprint that could have been easily avoided if the buggers stayed home and jerked off.”

Assuming you’re like 99% of the population (wherever you are) and don’t know what eco-footprint means, it’s a measure of the amount of land required to provide resources for a particular activity. So, for example, if you drink a lot of beer and eat plenty of pizza, you’re not only a waste of space (happy waste of space, I might add) but you also have a significant eco-footprint.

Even then, hearing that the eco-footprint of the final is likely to be 3000 times the size of the Wembley pitch doesn’t make a difference to me – with 90,000 people, what else were they expecting?

However, this one factoid stood out – each fan’s eco-footprint will be 10 times greater than what it would have been if they had stayed home.

So now, not only do you save money, you’re also saving the environment by staying home.

This raises all sorts of environmental questions, obviously.

For starters, why aren’t environment-protection organisations investing in addictive video games, affordable home theater systems and holographic porn? I’m sure that there’s a moral need for promoting ‘healthy social interaction’ instead of self-gratifying selfish entertainment, but seriously, are you kidding me?

How does being a football fan – where you are expected to see the world in ‘hate everyone else, love yourself’ terms only – qualify as healthy or ideal? Yea, for some fans the sex is great but statistically the best sex a fan is going to have because of football is with that fat whore who he met in the pub who may or may not be a man (and may not be a fellow fan either).

Real-life football is as addictive as its gaming equivalent. And if you were to consider footballing ‘conversation’ healthy, you probably think watching plants grow (the only accurate comparison of spending your time that I could find) isn’t a waste of time either.

And porn? Well, you’ve got me there, but you never really needed me to convince you that sex was more important than football, did you?

So here’s what I think goverments around the world should be saying – stay off the streets, in your houses, and if you cant fuck your wife, fuck your dog or your blowup doll.

Otherwise our world is heading to a serious environmental crisis – fast.

Will you jerk off to save the world? Will you?

In case you were wondering, that image at the top that you couldn’t quite read? Here it is again: