What if football clubs were women?

What if football clubs were women?

Who would you pick to represent your club?


Inspired from this forum post, I thought I’d make a list of our own for Soccerlens.

Read on below, then add your own suggestions in the comments. And of course, you’re welcome to share this through email or on your blog 😉

Disclaimer: You will probably get offended by reading this – please read with an open mind and realise that it’s one person’s view, and that you are more than welcome to publish your own views at the end of this article.

If talking about sexy (and non-sexy) women makes you uncomfortable (or if you don’t want your kids to read this), don’t read any further.

My apologies in advance to all the ladies and the clubs mentioned here – this is meant for fun, and I do not ‘dislike’ or ‘hate’ any of the people (I like almost all of them and respect the rest) or clubs mentioned here.

Premiership Teams

Arsenal – Paris Hilton:
All the press in the world, viral videos of their amazing moves, fanatical fans and a boob job help hide the truth – that they just can’t hack it at the top.

Aston Villa – Avril Lavigne:
Everyone talks about the potential but somehow there’s just nothing there.

Blackburn Rovers – Kelly Clarkson:
Not always pretty to look at but effective at what they do.

Bolton Wanderers – Kylie Minogue:
You really, really, REALLY want to, but common sense prevails at the last second and you go at it alone.

Charlton Athletic – Uma Thurman:
You wouldn’t, not even if they were the last team on earth.

Chelsea – Serena Williams:
You don’t want to look at them play, but a) you can’t help it and b) by god do they know how to win.

Everton – Dido:
A successful team once and a solid act at present, but does anyone really care?

Fulham – Amy Taylor:
Selling out cheaply and baring yourself (all for a good cause – go here, search for ‘Amy Taylor’ and scroll to the bottom pic) does not guarantee success.

Liverpool – Pamela Anderson:
Used to be good once upon a time but no one can actually recall that time. Banking on past glories to mint money today. Latest news suggests that more money will be poured in to buy expensive foreign imports and build new foundations.

Manchester City – Mary-Kate Olsen:
No one bothers anymore.

Manchester United – Angelina Jolie:
Age (or controversy), they say, is no barrier to quality and success.

Middlesbrough – Ashley Olsen:
No one bothers anymore.

Newcastle United – Denise Richards:
Something undeniably tragic about them if you’re a fan, a laughing stock if you’re not.

Portsmouth – Lindsay Lohan:
You can’t deny their success, but it’s hard to respect them with their history.

Tottenham – Scarlett Johansson:
I have absolutely no idea why an average team could be so popular. Hard work and talent? Really?

West Ham – Anna Nicole Smith:
Dead and buried, burning bright with hope but an absolute waste of talent in the end. Too good to go under.

Wigan – Sugababes:
One big year and everyone forgot that they’re no where near as good as they look on the (highlights) video.

Non-Premiership Teams

Inter Milan – Beyonce:
Rivals mysteriously fail and as a result plenty of juiced up but ultimately meaningless records are set at the top.

Real Madrid – Britney Spears:
From great to crap, but not willing to admit it.

Barcelona – Madonna:
A startling ability to reinvent and keep the spotlight on themselves despite the crapshoot and criticism at every step.

Bayern Munich – Jessica Simpson:
Always yapping, hateable but equally successful.

AC Milan – Monica Bellucci:
Class doesn’t fade away, it just gets older.

Lyon – Sophie Marceau:
Famous and extremely talented but somehow never mentioned when true greats are considered.

Teams I missed out on

I deliberately left out the international teams, although you are more than welcome to try that challenge on for yourself 🙂

  • Juventus
  • Roma
  • Sevilla
  • Valencia
  • Everton
  • Sheffield United
  • Watford
  • Reading

Women I missed out on

Women I wanted to include but I had no place to include them.

  • Jenna Jameson
  • Charlize Theron
  • Evangeline lilly
  • Jennifer Garner
  • Kate Winslett
  • Jennifer Lopez
  • Elisha Cuthbert
  • Keira Knightley
  • Shakira

Now It’s Your Turn

Make your own list, and share it in the comments below.