Rise of the Foot Long Soldier


When it comes to a worthy cause, I live to give. I was so moved by Pele’s appeal to help men with erectile dysfunction that i agreed to pay £10 a month towards the campaign, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to keep it up.

Liverpool FC were not so generous of spirit when Luton Town asked for financial assistance before their FA Cup tie. The Reds were well within their rights to refuse to help, as they already look after the needy by paying Jamie Carragher a weekly wage.

Jamie probably has the thinnest skin in football. A radio DJ once questioned his decision to retire from international football as he wasn’t guaranteed a starting-place, so Jamie incredibly rang him up to arrange a meet where they could ‘discuss it’ further. Violence against radio personalities is totally unacceptable, with the obvious exception of Sara Cox.

Carragher hit the headlines again this week when he allegedly jumped up onto a barrier to confront a number of abusive wig-wearing Luton supporters. I believe the FA should spare no expense in finding a solution to crowd provocation, and I know that Jamie is happy to throw money at the problem. An investment on Middlesbrough to beat Liverpool at 9/2 will put a few coins in the kitty.

Mark Hughes is an astute manager. Defeats to Larissa in the UEFA Cup and Coventry in the FA Cup have guaranteed that fixture congestion will not be an issue. Blackburn are unbeaten in Bolton on their last eight visits, a draw at 23/10 will keep that impressive stat rolling.

I try to avoid blowing my own horn, but I can easily relate to people of differing intelligence. If you possess an IQ of 160, I can happily discuss mathematical probability or the ups and downs of nuclear fission. If you’re IQ is less than 50, I’m equally at home discussing the pros and cons of your move to Derby. Robbie Savage can help the ailing Rams take a point off Wigan at 9/4.

Dave Kitson has been rightfully slaughtered for making disparaging remarks about the FA Cup. The ginger hitman disgracefully claimed that he couldn’t give ‘the Neville brothers’ about the historical competition. Personally, I’m a stickler for tradition, and Reading have never won at Villa Park in their history. I’ll be backing the Villa at 8/13, and then backing them again. That’s two hits.

Arsene Wenger has once again hit the jackpot with the sublime Eduardo. I haven’t seen anyone look so comfortable in the box since Martina Navratilova. 1/5 for an Arsenal win over Birmingham is simply smashing.

Apparently, Everton’s trophy room has been burgled. Police are asking the public to be on the lookout for several replicas of the FA Cup, the League Cup and the Cup Winners Cup. I’ll be having it away with the 6/5 for an Everton win over Manchester City.

If Fulham FC were a flavour of ice cream, they would definitely be vanilla. That reminds me of the old song, “I scream, you scream, we all scream if we accidentally look at Carlos Tevez.” I’ll be shrieking like Britney Spears when I take the 3/4 for a West Ham win over Fulham.

Portsmouth have been hit extremely hard by the African Cup of Nations, they’re literally down to the bare bones. Sunderland can take full advantage at 15/8.

The early money in the ‘next Newcastle manager’ market suggests that Harry Redknapp is a shoo-in for the post. Being something of a non-believer, I’ve layed Harry at 1.65 and I have no intention of closing my position. If you’re reading this late and Harry has already taken the job, then I changed my mind and greened out for a MASSIVE profit. I’ll throw my expected winnings on Manchester United to beat Newcastle at 1/4.

Ashley Cole was left mystified when Avram Grant stripped him off the captaincy after an hour last week. He hasn’t been this stunned since Arsenal insulted him by offering a derisory £55,000 a week. I nearly crashed my car when I heard that bookmakers were offering 5/1 for a Tottenham win over Chelsea.

Such an act of generosity has left me in a state of reflection, musing over my own decision to stop supporting the global fight against impotence. I genuinely wanted to honour my commitment, but at the end of the day, I’m not a working stiff.

People who have never suffered from erectile dysfunction are quick to poke fun at those who have; but I simply refuse to rise to the bait. If you don’t back Arsenal, Aston Villa, Everton and Sunderland in a 10/1 accer, you won’t be able to get up in the morning.

Weekend Premier League Fixtures:

Saturday, January 12, 2008

15:00 – Arsenal v Birmingham City
15:00 – Aston Villa v Reading
15:00 – Chelsea v Tottenham
15:00 – Derby County v Wigan
15:00 – Everton v Manchester City
15:00 – Middlesbrough v Liverpool
15:00 – West Ham v Fulham
17:15 – Manchester United v Newcastle United

Sunday, January 13, 2008

13:30 – Sunderland v Portsmouth
16:00 – Bolton v Blackburn

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