Welcome to Fergie Time, a new roundup/newsletter type deal that delivers news, opinion and links directly to your screen, plus made-up quotes, knee-jerk reactions and awards that don’t really exist. As the name suggests, there will be some exaggeration, nsfw moments, canceled press conferences (oh, who are we kidding) and late, late, late scoring of points. You’ll like it, trust me.
LONG SEASON AHEAD FOR LIVERPOOL:
The wrangle in the Liverpool boardroom is complicated and I’m not going to even pretend to comprehend the ins and outs. What I do understand is that Liverpool FC will most likely be a baseball team next season. So if the likes of Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres have been finding Liverpool’s 50+ games a season hard work, just wait until they see the 162 game Major League Baseball schedule. Good news is that Paul Konchesky might finally find his sport, but bad news is that the players will be begging for the return of Rafa Benitez and squad rotation.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
“Last year I played nine games and with me, Arsenal never lost. They brought Almunia back and then Fabianski started in the game at Chelsea. I get annoyed when I don’t play, it’s not as if the other two do that well.”
– Arsenal’s grumbly third choice keeper Vito Mannone talking to the Gazzetta dello Sport, possibly not realizing that quotes in Italian can be translated into English (and Spanish and Polish) pretty easily.
Only The Sun could take a story about two men arguing over tactics, and report it as one man telling the other to “Go **** your mother”. And then put a lazy headline like Tevez in mother of all bust ups on it.
QUESTIONS ANSWERED QUICKLY:
Q: Is Wayne Rooney a chav?
A: Yes, but not in a bad way.
Q: Are England playing this weekend?
A: No. They play Montenegro on Tuesday. Have some patience, or watch some of these other Euro 2012 qualifiers instead.
Q: Have Chelsea already won the Premier League?
A: No, though this is pretty convincing.
There’s been a lot of talk about what sort of punishments horror-tacklers like Manchester City’s Nigel de Jong and Wolves’ Karl Henry should face for their crimes against football. De Jong has received the odd but effective punishment of being put in international timeout by Netherlands coach Bert van Marwijk, while Henry will be forced to play for Wolves once his suspension is over. But the punishment I’d like to see is a gladiatorial slide tackle to the death showdown between the two players, with Newcastle and Wigan fans cheering them on in a packed stadium as the two men go studs up on each other over and over again until a winner emerges. Live on Sky Sports Three.
Most blatant abuse of Presidential power: Bolivian Presidente Evo Morales, who took his knee to an opponent’s groin in the middle of a game. Ouch. Red card you say? Not when you’re Il Presidente it’s not.
Most surprising appearance on a list: Sol Campbell, who for some reason is fourth on FourFourTwo’s Football Rich List.
Least convincing accident of the week: Hertha Berlin midfielder Peter Niemeyer, who got a bit too touchy-feely with female referee Bibiana Steinhaus. Ten bonus points to Steinhaus for her reaction, minus ten points to the commentators for that weird giggling noise they’re making.
GOAL OF THE WEEK:
Did you know Northern Irish team Glentoran had a TV channel? Neither did I. But channels are built on must-see programming, and nothing in football is more must-see this week than this YouTube clip of Glentoran’s Matty Burrows scoring a 92nd minute game-winning backheeled volley.
The mighty 3 Up Front is back for another week of in-your-ear action, discussing Chelsea’s superiority, Kevin Davies England call-up, and long long bans for bad bad tackles. Listen to 3 Up Front and then subscribe via iTunes to receive future episodes.