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Everton press conference: What Marco Silva and Marcel Brands wanted to say, but couldn’t

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New Everton boss Marco Silva and Director of Football Marcel Brands spoke to the media at Finch Farm on Monday for the first time since their respective appointments.

Silva left his last job at Watford under a cloud, with Everton’s approach for the Portuguese in November the catalyst for his sacking two months later.

A run of one win in 11 Premier League games led to Silva being axed, as the distraction caused by the speculation over his future impacted his team’s performances.

Brands has built an impressive reputation in the Netherlands, enjoying successful stints as director of football at both AZ Alkmaar and PSV Eindhoven.

The duo answered questions on a wide range of topics including transfers, fan expectations and Wayne Rooney’s future at the club.

Sportslens takes a look at what they said and, more importantly, what they actually meant.

“Marco has no loyalty as he showed by having his head turned at Watford, but we don’t care because we’re a much bigger club – the School of Science and all that. He’s aware of the academy and he’ll need to be because we’ve no intention of spending any money if we can help it.”

“I’m very excited to be here. It’s no fun being out of work. I put in an application for Jobseeker’s Allowance a while ago and I’ve not heard a thing since. Still, at least I had plenty of time to watch Sam Allardyce keep my seat warm.”

“It’s our obligation to be committed and dedicated. It’s easy to understand how my teams play. We’ll work together to play pretty football, win a few games before sliding down the table and getting relegated. I’ll then swan off into the distance and flutter my eyelashes at another unsuspecting club.”

“Please don’t mention Watford – they’re really angry with me. I arrived home the other night and my house had been burgled. The only thing stolen was my Elton John CD collection. The future is with Everton on Merseyside. I’ll be safe here.”

“Names will come out in the days I’m sure, but anyone thinking that we can compete for top players is seriously deluded. The club spent a load of money last summer on some really bad players and I’ve somehow got to either find some other mug to take them or get them playing well. That’s not going to be easy. Take Michael Keane for instance. He came from Burnley – nothing good has ever come from there.”

“We need to look at our own squad before we discuss other players. We will sit down and talk things through and see what we have. Once we’ve done that we’ll probably look at each other and laugh.”

“I really hope he leaves. He’s talking with a club and we’re praying they’ll take him off our hands. Have you seen how much he’s earning? I hope he will return when he’s finished though as he’s a legend at this club, but we really do need him off the wage bill.”

“My goal is the club’s goal as well. It’s a big project and challenge and the club is huge, everything that’s important is the results. Allardyce got results, but his football was ugly – really ugly. We know what the next step is, but it takes time. I know what the fans expect and they’re absolutely bonkers. Top six? Not a chance.”

“We have a short time because of the window, but it will be very busy. Agents are calling me because they can see an opportunity to make a quick buck by getting their bang average clients to sign for us. The most important thing now is to make our own plans to do everything by the start of August, because if we don’t the fans will start moaning again. They were quick to get on Ronald Koeman’s back and Big Sam never stood a chance with his hoofball tactics. God help us if we don’t win the treble next year.”