Tottenham plan stupendous Premier League title heist against Arsenal, United and co.

Secret plans recovered from incinerators next to White Hart Lane (allegedly used by Tottenham to destroy incriminating evidence against Harry Redknapp) have revealed an incredibly risky and left-field strategy for Tottenham winning the Premier League next season.

With this season down the toilet thanks to Harry’s romance with the English press, Tottenham have put all their eggs in next season’s basket and appear to have made extensive plans to sneak the title away from their London and Manchester rivals.

Tottenham plan to sabotage the title chances of their rivals by deviously selling and buying players from other clubs. The club seem to be extremely impressed with Newcastle’s success in selling high and buying low but have plans to improve on it by buying more ‘English’ players to counteract any mental weaknesses that foreign players might bring to the squad.

The board is clearly unhappy with how Bale and Modric repeatedly play like shit when there’s a transfer story doing the rounds, and even playing them in new positions to simulate their moves to other clubs has failed to spark them back into life. Tottenham are now ready to sell Bale and Modric to the highest bidders, ensuring that Chelsea and Manchester City buy players they don’t need at prices they really shouldn’t be paying.

From that money Tottenham plan to buy the best young ‘English’ players from the Arsenal and Liverpool youth teams, luring them with the promise of first team football, signing on bonuses and the promise of a big pay day when they get sold to a bigger club.

This weakening of their rivals will ensure – according to Tottenham – that they have the best possible team ready to take advantage of the others faltering as they don’t know what to do with expensive players they don’t want (Chelsea / Man City), or when their best players leave them again (Arsenal / Liverpool).

However, this isn’t the most explosive part of the plan. That part has to do with Manchester United, the ultimate English football baddie and the world’s best ‘worst United team ever’.

Even writing this gives me the shivers, so brilliant this plan is. Tottenham plan to buy all the referees from United this summer, hoping that with the referees on their side they can finally beat Manchester United. At the very least they can cripple United by giving a penalty against them in every game, or refusing to send Paul Scholes off so opposition players can run circles around him.

Tottenham have hit the proverbial glass ceiling as a football club, but this heist of the century could see them established as a top force in English football for years to come, like Leeds United and Blackburn before them.

But will Harry Redknapp be around to lead this charge? Find out more about Harry’s future as Tottenham manager later today, here on

You shouldn’t believe everything you read on the Internet. If you liked this ‘news’, check out all the ‘football news’ here.

Arrow to top