Fergie Time: Wayne Rooney is a Solipsist

Welcome to Fergie Time, a roundup/newsletter type deal that delivers news, opinion and links directly to your screen. As the name suggests, there will be some exaggeration, nsfw moments, canceled press conferences (oh, who are we kidding) and late, late, late scoring of points. You’ll like it, trust me.

ROO-TURN:

Sometimes it’s hard to pick the biggest story of the week. But not this week. It’s Wayne Rooney, Wayne Rooney and [checks newspaper…] Wayne Rooney. Mostly it’s Wayne Rooney’s announcement that he was leaving Manchester United, because the club was no longer signing big name players and challenging for titles. This was followed by Wayne Rooney’s announcement that he’ll be staying at Manchester United, in exchange for somewhere between £150,000 and £180,000 per week.

So does the extra money in Rooney’s already overstuffed pockets make up for the fact that Manchester United didn’t sign Mesut Oezil or Rafael van der Vaart, or any of the other players they could and should have signed this summer? Actually it does. Because Wayne Rooney’s is a world class solipsist. Here’s my theory:

1. Wayne Rooney wants to leave Manchester United because Manchester United are not signing enough top quality players
2. Manchester United sign Wayne Rooney to a long-term big-money contract.
3. Wayne Rooney thinks Wayne Rooney is a top quality player.
4. Wayne Rooney is happy.

ALSO, BONUS:

Does anyone remember the whole Rooney/prostitute business anymore? Exactly.

GOING CARROLLING:

If it wasn’t for Wayne Rooney, then Andy Carroll could very well have been the story of the week. Newcastle striker Carroll – whose Wikipedia page features an ever-expanding controversy section – was ordered by a judge to move in with club captain (and family man) Kevin Nolan this week. Sounds like the premise for a questionable BBC3 sitcom, and apparently the plot for the first episode involves Carroll’s car being set on fire in Nolan’s driveway. Wackiness ensues.

PODCAST:

On the latest episode of 3 Up Front, the boys share their Rooney conspiracy theories, wonder how Mrs. Nolan feels about her giant new centre forward of a houseguest and ask the question: Has Mourinho turned Real Madrid into worldbeaters already. Listen to episode 10 of the podcast to find out.

FANTASY FOOTBALL:

Week nine of the Soccerlens Fantasy Football Game is upon us. We’ve shared our list of players with the most assists and most goals in the Premier League, so now all you have to do is pick your eleven, play the weekly competition and win some prize money.

THIS WEEK’S BIG MATCH:

There can be only one, and it’s Manchester City vs Arsenal, at the City of Manchester Stadium. The over-spending defensively solid Citizens versus the under-spending over-footballing Gunners. After Emmanuel Adebayor‘s recent European hat-trick (yeah, it was Europa League, but it still counts) it will be interesting to see how he plays here. And which set of fans he decides to celebrate in front of should he score.

Also worth watching: Stoke City vs Manchester United, just to see if the extra money helps Rooney remember how to trap a football.

BIG MATCH STRIKER:

Think you know your football? Then read our review of Big Match Striker, the new free online football game where you answer questions to win football matches. We like. Of if you’re too impatient to read the review and just want to dive straight in, you can play Big Match Striker for free right now.

FINALLY, DON’T FORGET:

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