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The summer of 1996. Football had come home, optimism was high. Terry Venables and his squad united the English public but as per usual it all petered out against the Germans. Gareth Southgate’s missed penalty broke the hearts of a nation, and yet it was all a bit more bearable because Germany had a player called Kuntz in their team!
A comedy name can bring joy or humiliation to fans (depending on whether he plays for your team or not), catch out an unwary commentator, or reduce you to tears of laughter. Take legendary Algerian midfielder Ars Bandeet, for instance, who is legendary because nobody is quite sure whether he ever existed rather than because of his footballing prowess. If indeed Ars Bandeet did boss a midfield somewhere in Algeria in the 1970s then he is undoubtedly one of football’s funniest ever names.
It is unsurprising that the lewd and rude provide a fruitful hunting ground for funny names. From the hermaphroditically-named Rod Fanni, via the his-and-hers pairing of former Newcastle winger Brian Pinas and Portuguese goalkeeper Quim, to the backstreet sex change offered by Paul Dickov. football has plenty of rude names. Paraguay veteran Francisco Arce is so at ease with his mildly amusing surname that he insisted on his first-name being shortened to Chiqui and wore ‘Chiqui Arce’ on the back of his shirt.
Then there are the downright profane. Former England international Segar Bastard played for Upton Park and England at the end of the 19th century. He then became a referee, although it is uncertain whether this is how the phrase Bastard in the black was coined.
Czech defender Milan Fukal was once linked with a move to Manchester City, but that never materialised and his career since has pretty much lived up to his surname.
Fucks, Scheidt, Daft, Fuchs. It might sound like a Sir Alex Ferguson half-time team-talk, but it is just a handful of players picked from our expletive-ridden list of names.
The schoolboy humour is endlessly entertaining and yet some of the funniest football names are the ones that come straight out of the leftfield. Footballers whose name consists of a euphemism for pornography and the son of God are pretty few and far between, but Hannover striker Bongo Christ ticks all the boxes.
And if you are blessed with the wonderfully unusual surname Conquest, why on earth call your son Norman? The only thing worse would be if they had named him ‘Jermain Defoe’s Latest Chinawhites’ instead. Conquest was an Australian goalkeeper who once faced England during the 1950s. 1066 and all that!
On the subject of cruel parents, Brazilian forward Creedance Clearwater Couto’s parents clearly had a wicked sense of humour and dodgy musical taste in equal doses as they named their son after their favourite band.
Former Kaiserslautern player Wolfgang Wolf famously managed Wolfsburg (now there’s a pack of wolves). When the time came to replace the Wolf, who better as a successor than Peter Pander?
African parents have always been more imaginative when it comes to naming their offspring, and this is an entire sub-genre in itself. But it would not be fair to complete a review of football’s funniest names without mentioning Danger Fourpence — who has a Facebook appreciation society -and Have-a-Look Dube.
Funny Football Player Names:
- Stefan Kuntz
- Chiqui Arce
- Bongo Christ
- Have-a-Look Dube
- Ars Bandeet
- Segar Bastard
- Rafael Scheidt
- Rod Fanni
- Johnny Moustache
- David Goodwillie
- Danny Shittu
- Johan de Cock
- Milan Fukal
- Quim
- Brian Pinas
- Bernt Haas
- Uwe Fuchs
- Two-Boys Gladstone Gamede
- Wolfgang Wolf
- Creedence Clearwater Couto
- Norman Conquest
- Danger Fourpence
- Paul Dickov
- Argelico Fucks
- Harry Daft
- Ruud Boffin
- Mark De Man
Don’t forget to leave your suggestions to add to the list.
Also See: Funny Football Club Names, Footballer Nicknames
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