Roman Abramovich Chelsea have appointed John Terry as player manager with immediate effect, with the board highlighting his fantastic team talks and tactical input from the sidelines as the core reasons for making this decision.
The Chelsea FC official website read: “We welcome John Terry to formally assume the role of Chelsea manager and to lead Chelsea right back to the top of the pile. We know that Terry has always given his best for Chelsea FC and it his leadership that has held the club together through the tough times. And on a serious note, he keeps chasing the managers away and we can’t keep paying them off forever. So we gave it to him. He can either win or hopefully go to jail for being racist, giving us an excuse to sack him and demand our money back, like we did with Mutu.”
John Terry was quick to appoint Frank Lampard as assistant player-manager, with Petr Cech and Didier Drogba also handed coaching roles. Terry also announced that Fernando Torres will be training the academy players (“If he can score more goals against the kids maybe he can get his confidence back”) and that Ashley Cole will be the official team bus driver (“Anyone who can stay on the road when being offered less money than promised is someone you can bet your life on”).
Terry’s first match in charge of Chelsea – officially – will be their home Champions League quarter-final at home against Benfica on Wednesday. And if he can lead Chelsea to the Champions League semi-final, he will be well on his way towards being Chelsea’s greatest manager ever. Indeed, Terry spoke about his Champions League ambitions and how “he wants to win the Champions League title for Roman and the fans. I can assure you that this time, no referees or sulking players can stop us from winning the Champions League. There will be no slip-ups!”
There’s no word yet on how Roberto Di Matteo has reacted to the news, as Terry admitted that he hadn’t told him yet but “when I do let him know I’m sure he’ll handle it better than AVB”. At this point the Chelsea press officer stepped in to announce that the press conference was over.
So this is Chelsea’s season, although no one seems to have told the players that.
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