The Premier League have slapped a 20 point penalty on Newcastle United, condemning them to certain relegation this season.
The huge penalty leaves Newcastle United with a paltry 15 points in the season, ahead of Derby but well behind the likes of Bolton, Fulham and Birmingham, and with 6 games to go, Newcastle look certain to be sucked into and destroyed by the cruel vortex that is the relegation battle.
The reasons for this penalty are not clear – insider sources have claimed that it has to do with financial irregularities in Mike Ashley’s takeover, although the Premier League itself has maintained a different tune all along.
It is with great sorrow that we have decided to penalise Newcastle United – I want to assure all Geordie fans that this is in their best interests, and in the best interests of their club.
I love Newcastle, but I cannot bear the weight of false expectations and neither should the fans. Even the Queen called me up last month, asking me to look at the Newcastle situation and figure out a solution.
After lengthy discussions with my psychologist and also the chairmen of financially responsible clubs like Leeds, Chelsea, Sunderland and Manchester United, we have decided that the best way for Newcastle United to actually live up to the expectations of their fans is to bring down those expectations to way, way, way below the minimum.
Hence we have penalised Newcastle with a 20 point penalty, with a view that they will get relegated this season. If the situation does not improve next year with the fans, I have instructed the Football League to impose a further 50-point penalty on Newcastle to send them to League One.
We will keep relegating Newcastle until their fans learn their lesson – that their club is nowhere near as good as they think, and neither is their manager.
Shocking, I know. Of course, knowing Geordies, they will probably just get Shearer on-board and come right back up to the Premier League, go on a dream run, then throw away a 12 point lead and fail miserably.
But at least they’ll have the satisfaction of winning a couple of league titles, even if it’s just in the Football League.
Disclaimer: April Fool! 🙂 Nothing in the above news item should be considered truthful – it is all a figment of the author’s imagination. To read more April Fool stories, please visit our April Fools section on Soccerlens.