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Where Are My Cheerleaders?



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At the best of times football is a beautiful sport. Watching the Argentineans leave their opposing team standing motionless like Wayne Rooney when asked a basic math question or watching the Aussies bash their way to a sweet victory can often bring a tear to the eye, a fart of excitement or a beer chug of admiration.

Sometimes when I lay on the couch at 2 o’clock in the morning (bloody time zones!), watching the Toons put in that one performance each season that makes you scream “Premiership Contenders!” I scratch the exposed bald patches on my inner thighs (BIG fan of the dressing gown) and wish that what I was seeing would never end, that all there was to life was sitting in front of the couch flicking only between sports channels, some form of Playboy TV and Neighbours. Actually could probably skip that last one as it is nothing without Holly Valance.

But still, the point remains, football can excite and intrigue like no other…or am I wrong about that? Can Football truly compare to the beauty of women? Does an Obafemi Martins goal celebration lift the spirits as well as a “bend and snap” from a miniskirt wearing stranger lifts the…eyebrows? Does pulling on the black and white (or whatever inferior strip you happen to like) fill you with the same pride as looking back at your mates while dancing with a hot chick (In my case moderately attractive :P)?

It’s a tough call that much like religion could be argued in my head for the rest of my life without getting any closer to the answer… Well maybe not that deep 😛 But rather than decide I am asking why the two haven’t been combined to make for the ultimate spectacle?

I often think that the idea of half time entertainment has been overlooked by FIFA and its associates. After watching players like the aforementioned Wayne Rooney and other players like Drogba and Milner (You have to admit Geordies, ugly bugger) run around for 1 ½ hours and looking to the stands to see large fans with their tops off (it’s always the big ones :P) it wouldn’t be bad to see a few girls dancing around at half time.

There’s often not much going on during the break and after watching a game that could be beaten for excitement by playing football with your Lego men I often think of chucking it in. This could all be erased by the cameramen often cutting to a bunch of cheerleaders. This would certainly keep me inspired at 2 o’clock in the morning. Although I wouldn’t be too interested in the line-up from certain parts of England they could be replaced by girls from other parts of the country or even abroad. (Though this would lead to everyone writing about the development of cheerleading in England suffering from becoming too international :P)

I’ve been to a fair few games here in Adelaide and when the game gets pretty poor it can get a tad tedious as endless passionate chanting hasn’t really been embraced by most fans. This is where cheerleaders could add to the atmosphere keeping the fans on their toes and the noise high as the screamingly ask for their number and relay the size of their package.

What kind of hooligan would seriously get involved in a fight while hot women were in attendance? Not only do I think that Cheerleaders would help stop any footie violence, but it would add to the atmosphere and excitement of the game. What do you guys think? Is half time just an energy sapper for the crowd? Are beautiful women the only thing in existence that could make this great game better?

This article is a submission for the Soccerlens Football Writing Competition; to participate, please read the details here.