A Naan and a Leg

This article is a submission for the Soccerlens Football Writing Competition; to participate, please read the details here.

Written by Gerry McDonnell

The older I get, the grumpier I become. Old people, children and John Motson have all played a significant role in my metamorphosis, but the wife’s driving is almost certainly the overriding factor.

I’m not criticising women drivers in general. I’ve shared a ride with a number of females over the years without any complaint. Although in the interest of fairness, there wasn’t a great deal of time to voice any concerns.

The wife simply struggles to comprehend the basic rules of the road. She’s continually looking at mirrors and playing with indicators, when she should be hitting the horn like it was Lily Allen.

Her attempts at parking are equally frustrating. I’ve lost count of the number of times she’s drove past a perfectly good handicapped spot, only to park up some 50 yards further away. It’s pure selfishness.

Personally, I put her woeful driving down to a lack of confidence. I’ve told her that a few beers would solve the problem, but some people refuse to take good advice.

While these minor flaws are annoying; it’s her refusal to travel at an acceptable speed that sends me into an apoplectic rage. The wife is more than happy to trundle along at 20mph, even when there’s no one else on the motorway. She doesn’t appreciate the fact that speed limits and traffic lights are merely unhelpful suggestions.

Wayne Rooney is definitely a fan of putting his foot down; he once went over 65 in an escort. Manchester United are winning games without getting out of second gear; they’ll roar past Wigan at 1/5.

It’s been reported that a 10 year old has broken a leg after colliding with Steven Gerrard’s motor. The young lad can consider himself fortunate that Frank Lampard wasn’t driving; as he’d probably have eaten the leg. I’ll try to avoid getting knocked over in the rush to back Liverpool at 3/5 against Tottenham.

Blackburn Rovers have something in common with Steven Gerrard; they both own a flash Bentley. Mark Hughes would definitely struggle to sell his model: it looks the part, but you can’t get it to run in the summer. I’ll never grow tired of seeing 4/6 for a Blackburn win over Birmingham.

Gilberto Silva’s luck has deserted him. The World Cup winner was first stripped of the captaincy and then demoted to the bench. If I was Gilberto, I’d steer clear of the tube station. I collapsed like a Brazilian goalkeeper when I saw 1/5 for an Arsenal win against Sunderland.

Alan Curbishley will be keeping one eye on the police when he travels to Villa Park. The West Ham manager sold Marlon Harewood for £4m, so he may well be charged with robbery. It would be a crime to miss the even money for an Aston Villa win.

Michael Owen is on the verge of full fitness, a mere week after undergoing surgery. As far as I’m aware, only Jesus has ever made a quicker comeback, but records are sketchy at best. I’m praying for a Newcastle win over Everton at 11/10.

Reading may have been destroyed by Pompey last week, but I make them my nap of the week to bounce back against Derby. The Rams are about as useful as a second bedroom to Britney Spears: I’m taking the 4/5 for the Royals.

Mariah Carey has claimed to be a distant relative of Ashley Cole; but I can’t see any similarity. The singer has lost the support of thousands of one-time fans, been rocked by accusations of diva-like demands and has had numerous failed relationships with men. I can definitely see the value in backing the draw between Bolton and Chelsea at 13/5.

Gareth Southgate and Sven Goran Eriksson are not on the best of terms. The hostility can be traced back to Sven’s tenure as England manager, where he had the temerity to replace Southgate with younger, better players. It’s always unpleasant to see a high profile pair fall out so publicly, unless they belong to Jennifer Ellison. I’ll have a nice couple of quid on Manchester City at 8/11 against a goal-shy Middlesbrough.

Leroy Lita has a lot to answer for. When the wife read of his mobile phone exploits, she demanded that we follow suit. I originally said that I would only consider the suggestion ‘when hell freezes over’, but I felt the probability was too high, so I changed it to ‘when Benjani scores a hat-trick’. Pompey have tucked me up a treat, they can make it up to me by leaving Fulham with a point at 9/4.

I have no problem with a couple expressing their love via the medium of film; but if I wanted to see an excited whale, I’d rent ‘Free Willy’. Arsenal, Reading, Blackburn, Manchester City and Newcastle form an 11/1 weekend accer that will hopefully improve my disgruntled demeanour.

This article is a submission for the Soccerlens Football Writing Competition; to participate, please read the details here.

Arrow to top