Oh Santa, you jolly fat bastard. It’s difficult to find anyone around Christmas time who hasn’t heard the story of Santa, and if you haven’t then you’re either stupid, retarded, or both. Of course, he is the man who works year round making presents for all those good little kids out there and somehow manages to travel round the world in 24 hours dropping said presents off to every little kid in the world. According to funtrivia.com,
On Christmas Eve, Santa Claus has 36 hours to deliver his gifts. He starts as the sun goes down on the 24th just west of the International date line and he heads west, going with the night. Twenty-four hours later, the sun is just going down on the 24th east of the date line. But there is another 12 hours before the night is over here, making 36 hours.
And yet the guy has never had time to stop at my house. What a dick. Anyhow…
As much as I tried to find somebody or some team in the Premier League to fit the role of Santa, I simply couldn’t do it. Sure, Chelsea was tempting but they aren’t unbreakable. Then of course there was Roque SANTA Cruz (don’t laugh at me, you would’ve thought of it too), but really he’s only scored his first two goals of the season and hasn’t exactly been a jolly fat man who hands out presents to everyone.
There was also jolly old Steve Bruce, who, for reasons unbeknownst to me, seems like he’s never been mad (his voice is just so gentle and soothing. And he’s jolly. And a bit fat. Sorry uncle Steve). Arsenal might have fit the bill as they do wear red and white and they are playing out of their skulls, but again, they didn’t quite fit the bill.
Then there’s Barcelona. I don’t really have to say much about them (but I will) for me to warrant them being Jolly old St. Nicholas. If you’re a football fan and you do not live under a rock (or a lump of coal HA HA HA) then you should understand why I’ve chosen them. Let’s look at some of their accomplishments in the past year or so:
They won La Liga. The won the Copa del Rey. The won the Champion’s League. They won the Supercopa D’espana. They won the European Super Cup. They won the World Club Championship. That is six titles within one year (initially I typed ‘one’ as ‘won’ because I was so confused at the amount of winning this team has done). Then, as if things weren’t good enough, they decided to beat their bitter rivals from Madrid 6-2.
To put that all into perspective, imagine if your club could win just ONE of those trophies and think of how happy that would make you. It’s like Gisele Bundchen said yes to date you. And then she went to bed with you. And then a year later you found out she has six breasts (in hindsight, six breasts probably wouldn’t be that awesome).
Barcelona are a force to be reckoned with and quite frankly, they are Father Christmas. They keep on giving their fans exactly what they want and no other player or no other team in no other league can even come close to boasting the accomplishments that Barcelona achieved in 2009.
Back to the “Footballers as Christmas Characters” article.
Also See: Soccerlens’ Christmas Babes.