An astonishing leaked interview with former England boss Steve “Umbrella” McClaren has made it clear to British football authorities that the man they entrusted with England’s dismal Euro 2008 qualifying campaign was in fact a Dutch spy, sent in to sabotage English football.
The interview (shown below) is thought to have been taken when McClaren was relaxed and off guard, unaware of his English audience.
He is shown speaking with his natural Dutch accent, only occasionally slipping into the pretend northern dialect he adopted during his days at Manchester United.
Steve McClaren Interview:
“We’re fuming,” said Brian Barwick (with a capital ‘B’). “The bloody Dutch did us twice – first they sent him to learn the secrets of football from the altar that is Old Trafford, and then they got him to wreck our chances at qualifying for the Euros. If I didn’t have a ridiculous moustache, you’d see my upper lip quivering in anger.”
It is believed the plot was begun after Shearer, Sheringham and co. whipped the Netherlands team 4-1 at Euro ’96. McClaren was appointed assistant manager at Manchester United in December 1998, having spent two years perfecting a northern accent and a wrinkled yet child-like demeanour, so as to pass under the radar.
Having spent five years pretending to manage at Middlesbrough, Dutch authorities elevated his status by plying him with talented Dutch players like Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, and fixing two UEFA Cup games to let Boro come back from seemingly hopeless positions to reach the final on Dutch soil, in Eindhoven.
With the ability to win two cup games in a row making him the stand-out candidate for an “English” successor to Sven Goran Eriksson, McClaren was put in charge of the nation’s 2008 hopes, and duly conspired to wreck them.
On the 15th November 2006, with England leading the Dutch 1-0 in the last fifteen minutes, McClaren responded to the calls of his fatherland; he immediately subbed on Kieron Richardson, with the inevitable result that England conceded. Rafael Van der Vaart stroking home from ten yards with four minutes to go, and English morale was shattered.
From then on, he used the team’s low self esteem to churn out mind-numbingly poor performances, both failing to qualify, and, in the case of corners, consistently failing to clear the first man. Selections such as Michael Johnson and Wayne Bridge reduced the England team to a laughing stock, and Steve stepped down in November last year with revenge duly gained for his Dutch homeland.
Steve spent a sabbatical touring the windmills of the world, and then took a cushy coaching job back in Holland, with a large pension and a contented smile.
“Yes, I’d always suspected something,” said John Terry, wise after the event. “There were just a few too many tulips around the place. And who comes to training by canal!?”
Mr McClaren is now thought to be the cause of the credit crunch, global warming, and the Cillit Bang adverts as well.
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